You there, fellow American! Were you under the impression that Thanksgiving is the uniquely American holiday that celebrates how English settlers and Native Americans peacefully crossed linguistic, cultural and racial barriers to share a meal together and create a model for gratitude and tolerance that would be the envy of the world?

Wrong! says Woke America. Thanksgiving is about murder, plunder and hate. Invite your relatives over to spread love and gravy? No, if you really want to honor the spirit of Thanksgiving, you should whip yourself with barbed wire all day.

In a Nov. 20 MSNBC segment, “The Thanksgiving history you’ve never heard,” Gyasi Ross screams at his audience in a tone of voice suggesting an Oberlin sophomore from the Militant Vegans’ Brigade: “The truth is that pilgrims did not bring turkey, sweet potato pie or cranberries to Thanksgiving. They could not. They were broke! They were broken! Their hands were out! They were begging! They brought nothing of value. But they got fed! They got schooled!

“Instead of bringing stuffing and biscuits, those settlers brought genocide and violence. That genocide and violence is still on the menu! And state sponsored violence against Native and black Americans is commonplace!”

Ross’ maniac-on-corner-with-bullhorn rant is a dead giveaway. It’s an indication that no matter what event or topic may be at hand — Kittens! Candy! The comeback of ABBA! — the media will screechingly insist on changing the subject back to the Subject, the only subject anyone is ever supposed to talk about, ever.

Dare to feel good about anything in America’s past, present or future and you’re clearly a racist.

Two years ago on MSNBC, Joy Reid informed us that Thanksgiving was “problematic.” A column in The Philadelphia Tribune on Saturday insisted, “Celebrating Thanksgiving is celebrating racist genocide.” Except it’s not. It’s like saying going to a NASCAR race amounts to celebrating the 35,000 Americans who get killed in car crashes each year.

In 2017, a Bustle piece on how to do Thanksgiving advised its nervous young female readers to “acknowledge the national day of mourning,” “take time to reflect on lives lost” and “not use culturally appropriative decorations.” You also must “avoid any crafts or decorations that feed into the Pilgrim myth.” So it’s appropriation to honor my own freaking culture?

Last week, a macaroni-and-cheese recipe in Eater began with a disclaimer: “Thanksgiving traces its origins to an uneasy, temporary alliance between 17th-century English settlers and members of the Wampanoag Confederacy. This year, Eater is choosing to acknowledge that history in our coverage of the holiday.”

The Washington Post informs us, “Just as Native American activists have demanded the removal of Christopher Columbus statues . . . they have long objected to the popular portrayal of Thanksgiving.”

See what they did there? They didn’t claim Native Americans in general hate Thanksgiving. Native Americans, who frequently refer to themselves as Indians, reject political correctness. (Ninety percent of them weren’t offended by the Washington Redskins’ name before it became a generic Football Team.)

No, only “Native American activists” are angry about Thanksgiving. In other words, the WaPo went searching for Indians who are angry about Thanksgiving and came back with Indians who are angry about Thanksgiving. Activists are protesters, and protesters, by definition, don’t like the things they are protesting. The paper was simply informing us that haters hate stuff.

And hating is a proud American tradition, one of the freedoms we enjoy. Say all the mean things you want, no one can lock you up for it!

But why should the rest of us pay any attention to whatever self-induced trauma wokesters are trying to lay on the rest of us? They’re like the deranged people I see addressing their demons on the 1 train: The rest of us should just stay away.

Sure, it’s a fearful time, what with The New York Times publishing insane pieces instructing Turkey Day hosts how to install mandatory COVID testing regimes in their homes and Clueless Kathy, the accidental governor of New York, telling people to be masked and stay six feet apart while they pass around the mashed potatoes. Bring your signal flags to the table or warm up for demented screaming.

“Hey, Uncle Ernie!”

“Whaaaat?”

“Do you like the Raiders or the Cowboys today?”

“I can’t hear you, there are 12 people here and you’re 72 feet away!”

Nope, that’s a nonstarter. Far from nixing Thanksgiving, we should multiply its spirit by 365: We should be grateful every day for being Americans.